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| Praying at home or the Masjid and then sneaking out to party. Wearing Hijaab around family and then turning into a fashion diva at school. One person, two worlds and a desperate struggle to juggle them both. This is the reality which many Muslims living in. We can call them "cultural chameleons" or describe them as having "split personalities." Whatever the label, the situation is the same … with often tragic consequences. We are not just referring to your community brother or sister's devastating death, but rather we refer to the many grievous examples of teens running away from home, getting into drugs and much more – the worst of which is turning away totally from Islam, rejecting it completely. We are not exaggerating. It's a reality and those who deny it are either willfully blind or pitifully naive. It is time that we addressed the situation seriously. First there must be awareness of the reality and knowledge of its causes. The next step is to know what to do when faced with it directly. And finally, we need to know how to nip the problem in the bud – because an ounce of prevention is better than a pound of cure. We have already discussed the causes in our last issue. Let us see today the symptoms and solutions of this malady. Symptoms How do you know if your child, your sibling, or your friend is a "cultural chameleon"? It can be difficult to spot it, but however much a kid can try to sneak around, those closest to them can usually figure out what's going on. Here are some of the symptoms of the double-life syndrome. 1- Change of attitude - Increased rebellion, aggression, and disrespect are major red flags. If they are behaving like that towards you, do you think they wont behave like that towards Allah? In fact, if they are acting like that with you, then already they are showing their defiance of Allah! Taqwa and good behaviour to parents go hand-in-hand: "And your Lord has commanded that you worship none but Him, and that you be kind to your parents." (Quran-Surah al-Israa, verse 23) 2- Shows dislike of Islamic practices ("Yuck, hijaab is so old-fashioned, 3- Secretive, sneaky. It is important for parents to keep an eye on their kids and know where they are and what they are doing. If you notice that your child is being secretive, sneaky, and generally deceptive about their activities, then its a major red flag that your son or daughter isnt doing the right thing. This goes for pretty much all families, Muslim and non-Muslim alike, but for us Muslims it means more than just that your kid is with bad company or doing bad things: it means that they are losing their connection to Allah and to Islam, and this in itself is far worse than whatever sinful activities they are engaged in. Solutions 1- Prevention: An ounce of prevention is worth more than a pound of cure. Educate your child from a young age, build a strong (but loving) Islamic environment within the home. Make them aware of their identity as Muslims, emphasize pride in their Muslim identity. However, we cant say that prevention is the only thing that we can do - the reality is that even children who were raised in a strong Islamic environment can be "lost" in the Dunya… and this is the reality we have to deal with, not deny. Having said that, here are some more practical solutions on dealing with such situations. 2- Do not react angrily or violently. If you find out your kid is lying to you and is leading a double life, do NOT freak out at them, scream at them, hit them, etc. This will scare them, reinforce their false belief that "Islam/ Muslims are evil/ violent", and not be productive in any way, shape, or form. 3- Take some time to cool off after you find out. Pray a naafilah (voluntary salaah), and make lots of dua i.e. ask Allah to grant you the patience and strength to deal with the situation. 4- Talk to them. Ask them what has led them to do the things they have done, what their state of belief is (cases differ drastically: some teens still have emaan and are just confused; others go to the point where they deny Islam completely), and how they feel about their situation in general. Try not to judge them; the key is to listen to them and know where theyare coming from. This will give you information on how to best approach them when the time comes to try and "fix" things. 5- Serious counselling may be needed. If you feel as though you are unable to deal with the situation correctly yourself, contact a trustworthy, knowledgeable, and understanding Imam,Moulana or Shaykh in your area (or use the Muslim Youth Helpline). It is best to have someone involved who not only knows the Islamic perspective of things, but can also relate to and understand your child. There must be someone whom your child can feel comfortable enough to work with/ talk to if they don't feel they can open up to you (the parents). In this stage, there has to be a lot of give-and-take, questions-and- Counselling is a long and sometimes painful process, and only one step forward towards healing. One cannot expect things to change overnight, and it will be very difficult - all I can say is, trust in Allah and look to the Sunnah for help. Have emaan, taqwa, and lots of patience and forbearance. Constantly turn to Allah in dua, especially the last third of the night. Indeed, this is something that should be done at all times… it is a means of prevention, as well as part of the path to the cure. Allah Most Wise and Most Merciful says: "No one despairs of solace from Allah except for those who are unbelievers" [Quran12:87] | |||
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| Forwarded By Dar ul Muslimeen, P.O. Box 2736 - Dodoma, Tanzania | |||
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